"Subjected to" is the turn of phrase to describe the viewing experience as, over the course of 85 minutes, the audience is battered with a constant stream of "jokes" about "smashing back doors in", ejaculating on various body parts, pixellated penises, appearances by previous Francis creations like Craig David, Mel B et all and a never-ending parade of "star" cameos by A-list celebrity names such as, err, Paddy McGuinness, Peter Andre and Chris Moyles.
The BBFC certificate and the opening credits state that this is Keith Lemon - The Film. Yes, amazingly it is not an overlong, unfunny TV sketch which has somehow ended up on cinema screens. The filmmakers were trying to create a cinematic tour de force for their comedy creation and obviously believed that this was possible by wrapping the crude jokes and tired catchphrases up in familiar "rags to riches" plot.
The movie's biggest problem (beyond the unfunny, un-PC jokes - "OMG that guy looks gay ha ha ha," "that guy looks like a terrorist ha ha ha" - beyond the pointless cameos and beyond the shockingly low production values) is the character of Lemon himself. Towards the end of proceedings, he stands atop a building about to jump to his death after ruining his life and several others as a result of his greed. Like cinematic predecessors George Bailey and Ebenezer Scrooge, the audience should be happy that he has learned the error of his ways and is given a second chance. However, with Lemon, there is no character development. He was a horny, lecherous, odious little cretin to start with and becomes a famous, richer, more lecherous cretin by the end. There is no desire to see him reunite with his pregnant girlfriend because the only context we have of their relationship is a 30 second flashback where he talks about his penis and her breasts.
The impression in the auditorium where I "enjoyed" the film was that the audience would have prefer it if he had jumped and saved everyone from another fifteen minutes of this tortuous experience.
Here are a couple of more entertaining ways to spend 85 minutes with a lemon:
1. Give yourself lots of tiny paper cuts on the webbing between your fingers then squeeze a freshly cut lemon in your hand.
2. Take a bottle of Optex eye and replace it with lemon juice. Apply it to your eyes for a similar effect to watching the movie.
The moral of this story is, to paraphrase Paul Rudd in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, "When life gives you Keith Lemon, just say f*ck the Lemon and bail!".
